something's haunting the air

my throat is closing in as i ring my fingers slightly, my eyes are following the apparent vessels underneath the surface of my skin, hoping the soaring of emotions to surge from them and stream into the open air.

and maybe then you'll see, see what has been held up inside
"feel free to leave anytime you want." i say, the door is right behind you


-

so lets face it,
so won't you run your fingers all the way to my hips?
[and tell me i'm something other than beautiful]

so won't you make love to me with your eyes?
[and show me where i am right now is better than any place else]

why do i have to even ask you?
"please, don- don't turn away now.." i cry.

-


there are days that i remember only seeing half of the sun shine.
my skin looked gaunt behind the flourescent lights in my bathroom mirror.
the scale would whisper lullabies in between my toes, telling me to take a few steps further. the moon was slowly becoming dull in the reflection of my eyes, the air began to change and dug it's way underneath my skin and into my bones.

hours later you would come over and see me crying on my bed in the dark.
i didn't need to say anything, except make room for your body to come close.


-

so lets face it,
i'm biting my lip for more than one reason darling
my eyes look hungry for more than one possibility darling

"what are you going to do?" i scream.

-


my ribs are unclasping and my heart strings are snapping with each breath.
i would love to tell you i'm just fine but as the atoms from my body begin to disappear, i just i don't really know anymore.

and it's telling me
to keep on going

and it's telling me
there's no giving up this time

i thought i got passed this, i thought i could escape this.
but really i don't know anymore, but really you don't get me anymore.


-

so lets face it,
i thought that there was still room for me on this earth as waves crashed and swept everything away. i thought i could reach out and hold onto the clouds in the sky, but they seem to be crashing too.

-


my body is slowly caving in, i can run my fingers down my ribs and feel everything absorb in the air. my heart is slowing down, my life is becoming stale, my thoughts are becoming are becoming - are everywhere - fucking everywhere.

my throat is sore and my eyes are watering and i know you would shake your head in disgust with what i just did. don't worry, it's like it never happened, the lights were off as i poured everything out of me and into the bathroom sink.

i'm left empty watching the streetlights crackle from my curtains and my fingers are tracing my lips because i'm lying here without feeling, lying here without memory, lying here left empty. i'm trying to shut off my mind and fade the flashes of the scale's numbers in my eyes. i'm trying to plug my ears, shoving my fingers down my canals trying to stop these voices from corrupting my mind.

i'm here but i'm really not now.
you're here but you really don't want to be now.


i can tell you probably wished you loved somebody else.

so go ahead.
go with your gut and love someone else because it's the easier thing to do.

-

so lets face it,
you don't have the words to tell me
i'm still beautiful, i'm still living.
you don't have the heart in you
to watch me like seams unravelling.

-


i'm colouring in the lines just like i did when i was six years old.
except this time i'm colouring in everything that's missing in the evenings and beside me in the mornings. except this time i'm colouring in everything that's missing within the walls of my mind. except this time i'm colouring in everything that's missing beyond my skin and bone.


-

so lets face it,
i'm starting to think that maybe my life was meant to be this way, that maybe fate is this way. maybe i'm meant to go this way, maybe it's going to be this way no matter if you're here or not.

-


except love, my bones keep asking for you.
except love, my heart still wants to linger it's beats for you.
except love, my eyes are looking around each corner for you.

but nothing's been enough for you.
enough for you to stay, and reach in and tell my haunted eyes everything is going to end up just fine.


just fine.
j u s t  f i n e....