[x]

rabbit heart, in headlights"so, tell me something about you." he whispered into my ear
tracing my body with his lips instead of chalk, on a bed instead of pavement
"well-
my life is an experiment of bad choices and regrets."
"would you say i'm one?"
"no, you definitely are not."
and we moved against each other. believing this wasn't a
m i s t a k e

-

regret number one,

wishful thinking.

-

i breathed into telephones
and left you brokenwhispers in phrases like, i love you
i was too preoccupied with six vowels and two consonants to sputter out ten digits, redialing you to my heart - a nine zero five (i love you too) eight two seven (inhale and exhale) thre

Shooting stars 'Today I decided to give up.'

'What do you mean, on what?'

'On you, on myself. I decided tying silk ribbons on dead branches doesn't bring them back to life and there's no use in trying to fill in the blanks to all the things you never say.'

'But I do care about you.'

'I know, and somewhere in a parallel world I care about you. We're rocks tossed on a surface that never breaks and I'm tired of being the sound effects to an unmade film. You won't understand this, and I don't expect you to, but the walls turned to dust the second I started believing, And I keep dragging my fingers across the dirt and telling myself I'll find what's mis

bird with a broken wing.-

it was late. the sea on the horizon looked like the end of the world and everyone was telling us to grow up when really all we wanted to do was dream. all we've ever wanted to do is dream.
the water was dark at the bottom of the rock bank where we sat; calm and still, smelling heavily of seaweed and reminding me of summers that i spent singing on rocks as i watched the waves at the beach.
the boys around me picked up small rocks and threw them as far as they could. i lleant back, looked up at the sky and asked them why they had to ruin it.
they said they had to know they could make an impact on something. that they could change someth

drinking the sky.she wants to be loved by someone beautiful.

she has dreamt up names and a face; a smile and laughter and sparkling green eyes. she has watched, through a haze of fairy dust, mornings at coffee bean together, sitting opposite him cupping mugs in their hands and not saying anything

because in the mornings at seven, lost in each other’s company with the synchrony of their movements playing a harmony and the drone of grey-suited office workers as a background accompaniment, what would you like are the only words they need to share.

because when he loves her that much, the fragile things that her English teacher calls language don’t n

wishes are a lot like regrets.i say a lot of things that maybe i don’t mean so while we were sleeping in glass covered streets. i was talking about being a lot like twenty four hours that are disappearing. like i could make something pretty or poetic out of the fact that i’m a complete waste of your time.

we were leaning against the curb trying not to cut our skin on the sharp pieces of our shattered reality as i said that we can’t age backwards and this is as young as we’re going to get and that you should just pretend i never happened. pretend i don’t exist because i can’t say what i should to you. i can’t say the words to fix this. i

tell me something that mattersyesterday, you were sorting through your pullover sweaters waiting for the winter to come as you thought about how you never feel warm even with your hands tucked into stretched out sleeves. you were wearing your favorite cardigan, buttoned sloppily down the middle so that the sides hung unevenly as you sorted through your even sloppier feelings.
tell me something that matters.

tonight, you’re in love with this wool coat that buttons uneasily and has pockets with holes in them so you lose both your rhymes and your reasons. you’re finally realizing that your favorite song is the tune hummed by train horns at 2:40 am since you can

he's the bravesttoday he built a bridge
over the sea of tears you cried,
the tears you think he doesn't know about.
tonight you'll knock that bridge down.

tomorrow he'll fold a tiny paper boat
and he will set sail down your body of water,
hoping that maybe this time he'll reach you.

and when he does,
they'll all be talking about it,
they'll all be talking about him,
the boy who built the highest bridge even though
he was scared of heights.
the boy who set sail,
even though he was scared of drowning.

he's the bravest of them all.

we could be like venn diagramsi fall down a lot
and while i'm laying back to the ground, somewhat starry-eyed with both my palms slightly grazed, i've been reduced to trying to explain the size of the sky to you. this is what i do when i have other things i should be saying but can't cough up right now. instead i'm mumbling about how the clouds have been wringing the bright blues of the sky dry with sapphire ribbons of raindrops for days. or about when you meet me at the shore and send shivers down my spine, all i can think about is how the sky never ends. i want to stand up and explain to you that i like my lightning without thunder and that i want whatever it is that's

next thing we're touchingyou put the moon out with your cigarette as everything around you began to dim. you stirred the stars around as your body swayed against the porch lights, as you lifted the twenty-sixer to your lips.
you turned to me and said, "lets show this world what we're made of."

yes baby
lets fuckin' show them.

we had our first kiss right there.

-

honest to god,
i'm not colour-blind, i just see colourless colour
i'm not starry-eyed, i just reached out and tore the sky down the middle

-

i still remember the salt strewned in the air as we fucked on the shore. it was one of those days where there was a lulling silence, a silence so serene it w

two weeksmadeline wants to paint a picture on a canvas.
she wants to build a tree house and wants her netball team to win the final.
meet someone new every day. she wants to realise pink's an ugly colour and throw out all of her clothes.
-
she wants to make her first phone call to a boy and hold his hand and go to his house. she wants to get butterflies and wants to share a hot chocolate with him. she wants to have her first kiss.
-
she wants to listen to music until its all she can hear. she wants to fail tests and say fuck studying, she wants to get a detention and wants to tell her parents that she handed in the excursion money, but keep it

i sleep in seas next to you.if this feeling is
drowning then i just hope i
never breathe again.

these weather patterns clash.i want to tell you that i've been sleeping less but dreaming more. i want to tell you that i've been waking up cold listening to the weather fold in and out of itself as the wind knocks on my windowpane. so while i'm wrapped up in not enough sleep, listening to my dreams and reality collide, i'm waiting for the winter to come and the snow to swallow us whole. since i'm sick of watching autumn paint the world better colors as i stay this same too-pale-shade-of-white that makes your smile seem a little less bright. and as i fall for you, i have to remember that i'm nothing like those maple leaves--i'm not that beautiful. and you're n

11.41sometimes she wishes she could say sorry, too.
but she hates lying and she'd rather spend nights crying into her pillow
but don't worry, it's so much easier for you that way.

sometimes she wishes people could understand.
but losing yourself in early hours of the morning is impossible, isn't it?
its okay, you'll never know what it feels like to fucking forget who you are.

sometimes she wishes she could mean something she says.
but she's never fine and it won't be okay. in the end it'll all just be the same.
its alright though, you're not the one who doesn't feel anything at all.

sometimes she wishes she could just mean something.
to

i'm not your wintergirl.you're looking for the
seasons in this silence since
we've gotten too cold.

please release your eyelidsi'll sketch you a detailed depiction of the world i live in. i see orange and pink patterns ripple between skylines that don't exist on horizons. i see bodies of water that reflect the blue amidst satin white clouds, and if you go down deep enough you'll find they're filled with creatures of carousel colours that you've never seen. on nights like tonight when the sky is vacant, i'll use the streetlights as a starry night and car's headlights as shooting stars in motion. i can feel the cornstalks brush against my porcelain skin even when there isn't a breeze. i can feel the clouds tears run down my body, even when there isn't a down

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unwanted familiaritymy bones find themselves releasing the sky into the room through tangled curtains. streaks of pastel light bleed through the glass of the window, transpire into the fog that clouds my mind. all becomes heavy, a voice settles, forcing me to look out and wonder how i can live this way. trembling in my bed at night with wet cheeks with bones that have endured so much pain, so much loneliness, a voice tells me that it will never end. never, no matter how much you dream of it to.

will i ever find anything more beautiful than how you made me feel alive? i can still feel you here in my heart, like the stirring of a whisper settling in quiet places

what were we made for?i am the distance between your heart and somewhere forgotten. there is nothing more terrifying than living with ache, with loneliness. feeling it claw at your insides and tighten your throat, feeling eyelids grow heavy, mind pounding, thoughts never ending.

hearing all kinds of noise, hearing you go farther and farther away until there is nothing left but the rest of the world behind me. i cannot get myself to walk the other way, instead i stand in the same spot hoping one day you will come back. but that's never going to happen, is it?

i've learned that no matter how much time passes the people you wish would change and the life you wish y

scars on my heartit's what we feel deep down inside of us that holds us back. i wish you could feel all the fear that rushes through my blood, that makes my heart beat fast in a way i can't take. it's the choices we make, who we decide to trust with our heart; never knowing where time will bring us. what affliction my heart will be unwilling to feel when you are gone.

it already feels like i'm slipping away. my fingers tread along you, searching for a spot to hold onto. my cheek lays in the crook of your neck, your pulse wavering through my porcelain skin. eyes tighten as they close; i want to remember this. i want to feel like i belong to you, feel like i a

what's left once left?the pain i've been running away from has sunk into my skin. no matter how hard i try to not feel anything, it rushes through me and takes hold in only a second and tears me apart. all i have tried to escape from, comes flooding back. and please, please make it stop.

in my body there's a heart sunken so low it's beats are barely felt anymore. come close and fill your arms around me, there's a chill in my bones. the tears, they build up like ghosts whispering in my ear, they threaten to spill across my skin. how can you still call me beautiful like this?

i have said all there is and felt so much for you that my body feels more empty than what

it's more than you can takei am breathing underwater

limbs ache as i slowly sink

i can feel my throat tighten

everything darken

a chill in my bones

as i

whisper goodbye through

the crashing waves.

when it hits you it hurtsmaybe it's in every expectation we hold, that makes what we we're searching for out of reach. we expect to find ourselves, we expect to be happy, we expect to fall in love, and we don't stop until one day we are lost somewhere in the middle of it all.

you can no longer find where the horizon lays between the sky and the ocean, it has become an endless, infinite colour of blue. a feeling empties you through your insides and it never dies, it bleeds through you and to the world around you, causing the space between your limbs to grow, causing you to feel so

so alone. the stars you used to wish on look like grains of sand now, strangers to you

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[x]

losing everything i never had

by ~softsilhouettes, Oct 16, 2009, 6:57:36 PM
Literature / Poetry / Experimental / Surrealism

it's an early morning as the sun is rising, stepping into my mother's room and moving towards her bed, careful not to disturb the dark shadows on the walls, or the lulling silence that's filling the steps between us, i ask her when she wearily opens her eyes, "why was i born?"
her face held no expression, and she didn't reply

she didn't reply

i might as well not have gotten out of bed today.
i might as well be -
_____

and sometimes as i'm sitting in the passenger seat, i lose track of where i'm headed. i lose track of the fact that i'm moving, i'm moving somewhere slowly across a map. i'm moving with the world, and i'm just one person out of so many. so fucking many. i watch the rode beneath the tires blur passed us. i watch the clouds drift along with us, the trees look like ghosts. i feel the time move along with us, as the sun falls to the floor and gives up letting the stars take it's place. the moon has painted my skin white, just as i sputter out my words and let them fade out and rise to the sky. sometimes i forget what i look like when everything's as dark as this, but the streetlights flicker across my skin and make me remember - remember i'm fucking here. there are times where i just forget that i'm breathing, that rush of oxygen slowly drifting down my throat and back out; leaving my body, and painting the scenery infront of me, i wonder where it goes. i feel the darkness surround me and the static from the radio fill my ears. and i guess this is the sound, the sound of living until you're dying. the sound, the sights, the feelings of being alive. so why does it feel like i'm slowly moving towards death, why does it feel like it's all ending now. i look up at the roof and wonder whyarewehere, what're we supposed to be chasing after?

what do we do when we're as lost as could be?
how do we get back up from being on the ground for too long?

he didn't reply
he didn't.

_____

i look outside my window and watch as the leaves slowly circle towards the ground. sometimes i wonder if they miss being stuck to their branches all summer long. i wonder how they can have more guts than i do, as they slowly let themselves rush with the wind and when it dies, they don't look afraid to fall. and please, don't let me fall, don't let me crumble, don't let me cry. there's something that keeps pulling at the seams of my clothing, something that's telling me there's just no use. there's just no use to step out of bed and look at myself in the mirror. there's just no use in screaming out my lungs or moving my body to a beat. there's just no use when i could feel nothing. when i could disappear into thin air, and no one would care. there's just no use when no one knows what the fuck i'm doing here. these walls seem paper thin and even the world outside of it isn't moving from the sound of bellowing sobs. i'm whispering - i'm repeating - i'm choking - i'm screaming - i'm thinking god why oh why are you doing this to me? and world why oh why oh hell why are you moving so fast? life why oh fuck why, are you so damn long? why am i already looking forward to the end, why am i chasing something i don't know of? and how can i just get around all of this? how do i stop hurting? why am i still here on the ground, when i feel like i could keep on falling, and going down and down and down. why am i lost, why am i losing - losing everything i never fucking had.

what do i do now

no one's hearing me, no one's catching me, no one's seeing me
no one replied.

losing everything i never hadby ~softsilhouettes

Literature / Poetry / Experimental / Surrealism

_{sadly these are my thoughts when i'm having days like today... no weeks like this one.. no wait, months like these.

how about years?}

):

~breathingglassstars Aug 21, 2012 Writer

_{this is so raw it hurts... you write so bluntly the things that others only think. thoughts like these always buzz in the back of my brain and it is sad to know that you have them too, and that they will always be sort of... there. thank you for writing something so honest. it's beautiful. ♥}

~softsilhouettes Aug 21, 2012 General Artist

aw thank you so much <3

it's okay, it's thoughts like these that make us human and real, make us question everything around us.

~breathingglassstars Aug 27, 2012 Writer

_{you're very welcome ♥

absolutely. it's just unfortunate that they show themselves so much and we question everything so often.}

~IodineStars Jun 18, 2010

These words have perfectly described how I've been feeling lately. Seeing so many people.....I recommend you listen to blonde redhead - "Dr. Strangeluv" that song captures that feeling.

~softsilhouettes Jun 18, 2010 General Artist

I'll definitely take a listen, and glad you liked it.. feeling this way is horrible though.

*SeptemberRay Apr 2, 2010 Student Photographer

OMG. we like live in the same head or something. This is what I think when I have my "depressed" times. Years is was for me. Now its only like weeks at a time.

Dont give up!

~softsilhouettes Apr 2, 2010 General Artist

thank you (:
i'm glad you can relate.
even though i wish i didn't feel this way, nor you.
you're too beautiful and talented and kind to! <3

*SeptemberRay Apr 2, 2010 Student Photographer

You too. Do you have any painting that you did? Also, I want to tell you that I have had surgery twice now. I will probably have to have at least 3 more in my life. I have a bone disease called osteochondromas. I had to be put under and everything too. The stuff makes me really sick and also the vicodin they gave me last time. But i was sleeping like the whole time after it so it was cool lol. Well good luck on everything!

~softsilhouettes Apr 2, 2010 General Artist

painting?

wow i'm really sorry, i hope you are okay. can you ever recover from the disease?

and same to you love!

*SeptemberRay Apr 2, 2010 Student Photographer

Or any other artworks that you made. lol. I was just wondering if u did other art besides beautiful words.

and no. Well since im done growing they probably wont form new ones. But i have to be careful of them turning malignant as i age. :/ What were u having surgery for?

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